Just wanted to update real quick.. it's been so long, I had gotten a new xanga, but I feel like using this one again.

Anyway, so on Wednesday I'm leaving for Tennessee where I will be for a month. I will have my laptop though, so I can update. I am going to be recording my album and at the end of July performing in a showcase.

I am currently under control as far as cycling goes, which is a relief, I hate cycling.. I'm pretty much restrictin. Eating maybe one meal a day and maybe a snack. I'm joining a gym near where we are staying down there and I'm going to be working out hardcore, so hopefully I will see a nice drop in weight.

I'll write more later.

Soo.. that last spurt of upbeat-edness didn't last long.. right now I'm in the need of serious trigger material at all times. I need to snap myself out of this eating when I want thing.. I know once I'm at school things will be different.. but I want to start before I go back. grr.. :( this is so blahh.....

I can tell I'm getting more depressed.. I kinda wish I could go IP for even 2 week.. not for ED.. for depression... maybe get medicine for anxiety and ADD, so I can actually do good this semester. But I can't.. I'm not going to even bother trying to ask my mom and dad if I can go in. For one thing, I know to get out I will have to say I won't hurt myself.. and I can never make that promise, I can say I won't kill myself, and I won't permanently harm myself.. but I can't say that I won't hurt myself in some way. And it's just too close to the beginning of the semester to be screwing around with IP. Move in is the 25th, there is no time. Although, if I went in.. I would be able to restrict fairly easily.. because I was there when I was younger, and even then I easily was able to not eat much.. now I'd be with the adults, so less supervision as far as eating goes, I'm sure.

I don't know.. I guess I should have thought of this earlier in the summer.. now my only option is to wait for the semester to start and go to the counseling center, which will do nothing for me.. outpatient counseling hurts me more than it helps. I get there, talk for however long, then I leave and all this stuff comes out that I am left to myself to think about.. and it's not easy to deal with.. I just know that eventually I am going to need IP treatment again. I haven't been in IP since I was 15.. 7 years ago in a few weeks was when I went to Renfrew.

That's all for now.. I promise.

I haven't been posting much.. I know, I haven't really had anything to say.

I was doing good, I was back down to where I was before I left for vacation.. that was just a few days ago that I was back down.. now I'm back up like 6 pounds. ughh.. I'm sick of starving just so I can eat. That's what it seems to be, I mean, at least it keeps me from hitting my highest weight again.. but I want to go down.. I don't want to fluctuate like this.

Other stuff:

I have some new favorite movies! I joined Columbia House again 6 dvd's for 49 cents a piece!

I got...

New York Minute (ROCKS!)
Raise Your Voice (LOVE it!)
Cinderella Story (Really cool!)
But I'm A Cheerleader (Funny)
Bring It On (seen it a million times, just wanted to own it!)
My First Mister (good movie, rented it with my friend once.. it's and indie film I think)

So.. I had seen New York Minute once before, but I loved it even more this time I saw it! Raise Your Voice, never saw it, but it is definitely my kind of movie. I was very inspired by it. I love that movie! And Cinderella Story, I remember the commercials when it came out and it looked cool, and it is.. I love that one too!

I actually cried at the end of Raise Your Voice.. for many different reasons.

Other than that, I've been searching for new looks for my xanga.. the other day nothing would work, today it did! I like this one, it has words to a song that I really like, I know this and the song on here are totally different than my last one.. but I just feel like a change right now.. I am inspired by all kinds of music.. and I really need a tiny bit of not so intense stuff right now.. I still love everything else.. I still listen to it, but it kinda helps to balance everything out to listen to The Used and something poppy.. because some of my music makes me think about painful stuff.. and anger and all.. the other music is lighter and kinda helps me relax. It might sound odd.. but it's true.

Only a few more weeks till I move into the dorm. I am so nervous. I really wanted to lose weight by then, but that looks very hopeless right now. :( I feel so disgusting.

I purged the other night, I felt terrible after that all night.. :( I've been trying to rest.

Music & Background: Very inspirational for me, and I thought the background was so pretty and the song is very relaxing and nice.

Hey.. well, I haven't made a public post in quite a while, so I thought I should/would. As usual if you would like to be able to read the protected entries (most of them), just let me know and I will add you to the list.

Anyway, as you can see I got a new background, I couldn't resist it.. it's really cool. :)

Other than that, next Tuesday I go to orientation at my new college, I move in August 26th and Classes start August 29th. I just hope I get the schedule I spent yesterday morning planning, I planned my days around those classes already, and I'm usually not one to plan my days, but I want to see if the structure helps any. I know something is going to throw me off.. I will see something I want to go to during a scheduled study or sleep time, but I just figured I'd test this schedule out and if it needs changing around a bit I can do that later.

Anyway.. September 4th I'm going to see The Used! I can't wait. I am coming home for that weekend to see them because they are playing less than half hour from me! Last time I saw them my mom took me probably 5 hours to see them.. but I could have seen them closer that time, but I wanted to visit my friend who lives not that far from where we went anyway. I am usually into staying on campus on weekends, but for The Used I will definitely come home. it's the first official weekend there anyway.. I'll have plenty more there.. actually, I move in Friday because I'm new there, so I will have that weekend, but that will be all about getting settled and ready for class.. and hopefully getting along with my roommate/s (I hope to get in the dorm that has apartments.) I have had pretty good luck so far with roommates, but that worries me too, maybe my luck has been too good, and this will be my bad year. I hope not.. but I am worried.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say right now, especially in a public entry.. so I will go for now, and maybe I will be posting a protected one later today.

ahh.. I can't decide what song for my xanga.. right now it's Buried Myself Alive by The Used, a few minutes ago it was You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison by MCR. It's so hard.. there are so many great songs!

*edit*

ok.. just call me a dope.. I just realized that I had a skin on my xanga.. so the public background and layout was totally different from what I was seeing.. I just looked, and that's what I saw.. I took the other skin off.. so now you, the public are seeing the same thing as I am.. you can also now hear the music in which I was referring to above.. LOL